Month: July 2014

“Hey, this isn’t meatballs 2!”

Title:	Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs
Director:	Lord Miller
Score:	1? 2? 3? 4? /10?
Dub:	Mid-level.

Research mission to Jupiter’s moon Europa, something lurks under the ice, you know how it goes.  It’s a genre I guess.  Not bad.  Bit boring though.

Anyway; I think I’ve sussed something.  I think maybe sci-fi directors are a bit embarrassed to make sci-fi films.  I think they’re afraid that people will think they’re childish, so they try to make grown up serious sci-fi, instead of the spaceship- and alien-bonanza they really want to make… 

“Temper, temper”, they’d say to themselves… 

Well we all know what Yngwie Malmsteen has to say about that…

Title:	Europa Report
Director:	Sebastián Cordero
Score:	3/6
Tentacles:	Yes!!!

Feels exactly like a planetside episode from DS9.

Title:	Battlefield Earth
Director:	Roger Christian
Score:	2/6
Peeve:	90% of the shots were all crooked like.

And then he went out and bought a spirit level.

Exactly what it sounds like.

Title:	Avalanche Sharks
Director:	Scott Wheeler
Score:	3/6
Eighties:	They’re back!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no…..

I noticed they turned off the shaky cam every time they could afford an effect.  Nice trick.  They should have left it on the whole time.

Title:	Alien Uprising (aka UFO)
Director:	Dominic Burns
Score:	2/6
Peeve:	24:36 ISN’T A TIME!!1!!1!!!ONE!11!!!

Wow.  You think they don’t make good movies anymore, and then… Wow…

Title:	The Congress
Director:	Ari Folman
Score:	6/6
Mind:	Blown.

I don’t get it.  Something about a virus?  Isn’t this supposed to be a spy film?  Where’s Matt Damon?  I’ll give it an extra point just in case it’s my fault for not paying attention.

Title:	The Bourne Legacy
Director:	Tony Gilroy
Score:	3/6
Drones:	Not bad-arse.

Title:	Murder on the Orient Express
Director:	Sidney Lumet
Score:	2/6
Poirot type:	Clouseau type.

Another huge surprise.  Again I thought, Bryan Singer, Hollywood, huge effects movie…  Bound to reek.  But no!  It’s ok!  Am I getting film-numb?

Title:	Jack the Giant Slayer
Director:	Bryan Singer
Score:	3/6
Giants:	They’re bad-arse.

Not Ridley’s worst effort.  I was in a sail boat once.  For about two hours, in almost no wind.  A week later I was still fighting that rolling sensation.

Title:	White Squall
Director:	Ridley Scott
Score:	3/6
Sailing:	Really boring.