Category: At the Movies

#217: Assault on Precinct 13 [2005]

Things that were wrong with the original:

  • We never learned exactly why Napoleon Wilson was on death row.  
  • We were never filled in on Ethan Bishop’s life before he joined the highway patrol.
  • No personality crisis in leading character.
  • Too few therapy sessions. 
  • A general lack of shoutings of “round’em up” etc.
  • Camera too steady.
  • Everyone speaks in a calm voice most of the time.
  • Some sentences missing the words “fuck”, “damn” and “hell”.
  • Scenes aren’t constantly explained by on-screen characters.
  • No drunken irish police bosses.
  • No fistfights with icicle-stabbings in the eye.
  • Police station beseiged by gangs instead of the much more credible alternative; other police.
  • No tender scenes letting bishop expose his softer side.
  • No fighting between fellow inmates.
  • Music too minimalistic and expressive.
  • Some scenes completely without music.
  • Not enough burning men crashing through windows.
  • No mexican standoffs between the beseiged.  0.  Zip.
  • Forgot to write attackers’ cheesy dialogue.
  • No double cross moment.
  • No showdown in the forest.


Finally someone fixed all these horrible flaws.

Title: Assault on Precinct 13
Director: Jean-François Richet
Score:   1/6
Awards:   Dunce.

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